Balancing Parenthood and Medicine: A Love Letter to Mediocrity

Parenthood is a rewarding journey, but it can also be demanding, especially when both parents are physicians. Balancing the responsibilities of a medical career with those of raising a family is no easy feat, and the hard truth is that having everything usually means not excelling at everything all the time.

These thoughts are based on my experiences and of course may not be true for all families. I must warn those looking for foolproof hacks and endless positivity: I'm not pulling punches and I'm not sparing feelings. If you need some toxic positivity, and we all do sometimes, please find another source.

For dual physician families, I've found the key to success lies in expectation management and accepting C+ work. This is likely very unsettling for those in the medical field which attracts Type A, commanding, goal-oriented superstars. Or as some put it, the future burnt out gifted and talented kids. But as hard as it is to accept, we were lied to when we were told we had to give 110% to be enough. My goal in talking about my experiences as a physician, mother, military member, and human is to help myself process my own journey, and maybe help someone else along the way.

So, on that note, my first post here is about expectation management.

I don't think I have spent more than a day feeling like I was doing even B work in every aspect of my life: clinical duties, self-care, motherhood, household maintenance, marriage, military duties, global citizen, etc. More often than not, my assessment of my daily report card looks more like the bottom of the coconut tree in Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. If I have made it a priority to work out and meal prep, I've probably not read that journal article I wanted to review or played that game with my kids. If I've prioritized spending time with my kids and husband or going to a social event for one of our units, I've probably ignored my own need for down time and am feeling overstimulated and short-tempered by the end of the day. If I have gotten everyone to gymnastics after a long day of work, we're probably eating "girl dinner" before rushing off to bed with a half-hearted bedtime story. The hours in the day cannot be changed, and the responsibilities of this life rarely fit.

So, is this some sort of excuse to be a bad mother or doctor? Of course not. This is an acknowledgement of humanity. I have to know that sometimes to be able to pick my kids up on time, I have to accept my admission note for a new patient may need to be "good enough" and not the work of art I want it to be. And the times I don't set good boundaries and find myself resentful of not holding space for myself, I try to acknowledge that out loud to myself and my kids. If I find I'm short tempered because I agreed to do something I really didn't want to do or didn't have time for, I apologize to the kids because that wasn't their fault. I am the adult, and not setting and holding a boundary was my mistake, not theirs. And, I know that when I set an example of healthy behaviors, relationships, and boundaries, I am hopefully setting my daughters up to find this balance easier than I have. At the end of the day, I want them to live unapologetically true to themselves, and that starts with me.

Another area I have had to accept my own limitations is household management. We have had a variety of housekeepers over the years varying in frequency from weekly to monthly. Having someone weekly at this phase of life: 4 young kids, both parents working full time, my husband deployed or TDY 50-60% of the year, an ocean away from home, felt pretty reasonable and justifiable to my own sense of self. When I realized that the other 6 days per week I was drowning and didn't need to, I acknowledged my need for more help. We now have an absolutely amazing household helper who comes 3-5 days per week for a few hours each day and helps with all of the things an additional adult can do: picking up the kids from preschool, help prep dinner, fold clothes, play with the kids while dinner is prepared, and watch the kids on the rare evening out of the house. I absolutely see the privilege I have in being able to afford this help, and I am so grateful to have found this amazing woman who makes me a better person by relieving some of the daily stress. My house is still messy, our meals are often haphazardly assembled, and I still don't get to the gym as much as I want to, but we are safe, fed, and a hell of a lot more emotionally regulated. Despite not being religious, the best way I can describe our household helpers is as blessings. We would be lost without them.

I don't want anyone to read this and think I have it all figured out and am content with my own advice. Ask my therapist: this is a WORK IN PROGRESS that will probably never be "finished." But I do find myself more aware of my inner task master and am happy to report there are days when I feel a sense of gratitude and grace in my self grading.

My ultimate advice to anyone looking to build a life that includes a demanding career and children is to accept that good enough is often good enough. Idioms are part of language for a reason: comparison is the thief of joy and progress over perfection. Oh, and find a good therapist. :)